7/18/14 3:30 am
I am overcome with grief and regret. I no longer know who I am. Living a life I never thought I would be, sickened with myself, living a lie every day, hiding the truth from myself, not able to tell who I am anymore or what I’ve become. Lost is all I know. I cannot let go of my past, I carry it around with me like a bag of bricks. But for who? For what? Am I simply punishing myself for all the pain I’ve caused to others in my lifetime? The pain I’ve caused needlessly with my ignorance, blindness, selfishness and sickening physical wants/needs? I feel so much. I have so much pain and regret. Every day, I think about him. I think about the times we had and the life we were creating, the people I loved and left behind. My pets, my precious little animals, whom I loved so dearly! My darling, dare I speak his name? It’s poison to my mind, I have become addicted to. I can’t help but think, WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF! Why! Why must these thoughts overwhelm and control me so hard! Why am I unable to control myself or my mind? Why am I so unstable, unmotivated, and selfish? What lacks in my life? I am living just to breathe, but what am I breathing for? I am so bored and so sickened with myself, it’s so difficult to think about anything so I drown myself with useless nonsense like tv and internet and videogames. I have become something I’m not. Something I have never wanted to be; a drone. All the things I once enjoyed, all the things I saw so much beauty in, now lack the luster I once saw. Reading and art and photography and exercise and meeting people, breathing, learning, and exploring! It’s all gone now. There is no more drive. I am so tired. I am so tired of searching and wondering and trying! Why must this all hurt so much now like it has never before. Why can I not let go? What is wrong? I am in need of help, but unable to reach out. I am in need of release with no knowledge of where to search. I am in so much pain with no idea of what to do. Now, 23 years old, with the mind of a teenager still, I am carrying a baby for a man I hardly know, much less unable to tell if it’s love for him I have or just lust and fear of being without.
I sit before flowers
hoping they will train me in the art
of opening up
I stand on mountain tops believing
that avalanches will teach me to let go
I know
nothing
but I am here to learn.”
― Shane Koyczan
#shane koyczan
hoping they will train me in the art
of opening up."
(Source: larmoyante, via teachingliteracy)
🎃👻 a We Heart It-on http://weheartit.com/entry/83738287/via/Matt_Csernak
(Source: gayandpsycho, via rooms-for-the-revolution)
Lima, Peru creates an billboard that transforms air humidity into purified drinking water… how cool!